Not One Fish/Transcript
WORK IN PROGRESS; NEEDS HUMAN REVIEW [ gunshots ] [ bird squawks ] harold: It's the show they said that couldn't be done. Here's the show they said shouldn't be done. Here's the show they said wouldn't be done. Ha ha! Here we are, because they were only obviously right about the "shouldn't" part. We're broadcasting from the north, the real far north, where most people don't go. You know, that really hard place to get at, like, on the middle of your back where you try -- but you can't -- anyway, that's where we're coming from. And here's the star of the show, the man who signs the checks around here. And he's in no danger of getting writer's cramp, believe me you. Here he is, the star of the show and my uncle by birth and marriage -- in that order -- ladies and gentlemen, mr. Red green! Thank you, harold. Thank you, and, uh, welcome to possum lodge. I'm gonna be your, uh, guide for the mysteries of nature, like the lodge pole pine tree, the white-rumped antelope, and, uh -- and my nephew harold here. And when people get tired of that real-nature stuff, I can just throw in a little pizzazz. [ keyboard clacking ] [ laughs ] why do you do that, harold? Well, it's because it says right on my résumé that every show, I promise to deliver a bunch of pizzazz. I thought it said "pizzas." uncle red, I'm a television producer. What would I possibly know about pizzas? Try looking in the mirror sometime, harold. Anyway, we got a real fun-filled, uh, show for you this week. I mean, it looks good on paper. Then again, so did harold's résumé. Actually, we almost didn't have a show at all because a bunch of us, uh, last night got playing "sorry!". You know that game? Oh, that's a good game. I like the game of "sorry!". That's a great board game, that one. I hope they put it out on computer one day 'cause then maybe I could play it, too. No, no. This is a different "sorry!". This is "possum lodge sorry!". The way that this works is that, uh, you got to get up and do something that you're gonna be sorry for when you sober up. Actually, uh, buster hadfield won with his, uh, eggnog nostril shower. I think what it is, is he takes down two full bags of milk, and he actually swallows the eggs in the shells. That's what makes it such a consistent winner. And once he won that, we all, of course, had to go down to the lake and wash the bits of nog and egg and the eggnog even together off of ourselves. And, well, once we'd finished belly flopping our clothes clean, moose thompson started a big fire in the den so we could all get dried off. In the den? Uncle red, there's no fireplace in the den. No, no. That's -- that's why we almost didn't have a show. You set the floor on fire?! Is that what that, like, smoky stench is in here today? No, no, no. That's from stinky peterson's long johns. We used them to put out the fire. Stinky was pretty upset about it. I-I guess we should have taken them off him first. But other than stinky being burnt to a crisp and the den being totaled, it's really no harm done. So, without further ado, let's get the show rolling, harold. [ keyboard clacking ] gin. Again? I hate cards. You know, harold, golf would be a perfect game for you. I could teach you. Yeah, I guess you got to carry the 3 this time. No. Thank you, though, bob. I can't throw the clubs as far as you can. That's not on purpose. That's all accidental. [ chuckles ] besides, if I was on the pro circuit, I could afford better grips. Well, actually, my time is very limited right now. Oh, my career's, oh, so demanding. I got to roll up cable, burn myself on lights -- things to do. You got 500. You win again, bill. You know, harold, that's why I work for the department of natural resources. I'm able to combine my work with my hobbies. You know, if you play your cards right, I might be able to get you a job with the department, too. [ chuckles ] and leave show business? [ laughs ] bob, look what I caught today. A basketball hoop? Possum lake is devoid of life. Congratulations, bob. While you and your government buddies were out duffing around the back nine, another lake rolled over. What do you care, right? Just another water hazard as far as you're concerned. You know, doc, you seem to be carrying a lot of tension. Maybe if you got outside and got some fresh air, maybe a little exercise, it might do you the world of good. You know, harold, when I first started fishing out here, why, the fish would jump right up out of the lake and jump at your bootlaces. [ chuckles ] you ever see two pickerel arguing over who gets caught first? You know, some days, we'd catch so many fish we couldn't haul them all in. Have to tie them all together in kind of a fish raft and float the boat in on the fish. Wow! Would that ever be neat to believe. Yeah. You know, doc, you may think that there's no fish in that lake, but I find it's a lot like life. You know, people blame their bad scores on the golf course. You know, either the greens are too rough or the trees are too hard or, "what idiot put the first tee so close to the parking lot?" bob, I've been catching fish since I was 2 years old. And if I don't reel in a slew of trout, it's 'cause they're not there! Possum lake's dead, red. Bob killed it. Look, the lake is fine. The problem is that in the past 15 years, the fish have gotten smarter and doc here hasn't been able to keep pace. Say, uh, what are you doing today, uh, red? Well, he's not going golfing. And neither are you, mister -- not until you get out there and fix the dead sea. Yeah? And who are you to tell me how to spend my work day? Oh. Well, I'm a taxpayer, aren't I? You are? Sales tax. Good enough. Look, I got to be at work. I've got a tee-off time. Yeah, well, don't be surprised if your game gets interrupted by a bunch of angry fishermen! We can do a lot of damage with 100 pounds of live bait and an attitude. Listen, if you stop me from golfing, you will be interfering with government business! Well, then I'll interfere away, mister. Don't you be touching me -- oh, hi, glen. Hi, glen. Listen, uh, what are you doing today? I got to go into town with the rv. Oh. Well, when you're in town, why don't you buy doc some fish -- something slow and stupid that bites at anything. Sure. Slow and stupid. Yeah, y-you should talk, mister! You should talk! Oh, I should, should I? [ chuckles ] well, he doesn't know what kind of a fight I can put up when he gets his hooks in me. [ chuckles ] you can quote me on that one, bucko. "slow and stupid." so, who wants to go on a shopping safari? I got to get some tires. All-season radials. Well, we're, uh -- we're pretty booked up today, uh, glen. Oh. Are you sure? I got to get six of them. You know, I got the double wheels on the back. I am. Yeah. Might have to get a seventh, actually. I maybe need a new spare. [ chuckles ] well. Somebody wants to come with me, I might be able to be talked into getting that new seventh tire. Well, uh, you know, glen, I think harold might be up for a tire trip. Oh? Yep, yep. Harold! Harold: Yes -- yes, sir? What are you doing, son? "solitaire," sir. [ spoons and guitar playing ] ♪ my daddy was a poor sharecropper ♪ he cropped things, and then he shared them. We were so poor we couldn't afford windows, but we had a door that opened a few inches. ♪ I remember the day my daddy died ♪ ♪ he called me over to his side, and he said ♪ "who the hell are you?" that was a disappointment. Red: This week, uh, on the "handyman corner," I'm gonna show you how you can turn an old piece of crap, like this chair, into a beautiful, uh, recliner rocker. You know, to me, anything that's called a la-z-boy sounds like my kind of furniture. All right, uh, first thing we have to do is to disconnect, uh, the back from the seat right down here. So we'll -- we'll flop her down. I guess you could put this in a vise if you're a purist. You know, and we'll just hack this off. That saw's not very sharp. We used that one to cut concrete blocks when we made our wet bar. I'll just, uh, switch to the jigsaw. [ saw whirring ] there's nothing to it. [ whirring stops ] well, there's no -- no blade in that. Oh, I remember now. We -- we broke that blade when we, uh, made that architect's drafting table out of an oil tank. We got lots of power tools here. No problem. [ whirring ] all right, uh, now we got the back off of here. Now, uh, why did I do that? Oh, oh, oh, yeah, yeah. We're making a recliner rocker, yeah. So we now are gonna reattach, uh, the back to the seat, uh, with these hinges. And done. So, what we have now is more of a collapser rocker. And what we need to do is to, uh, now install our footrest that's gonna swing up. Now, what you want here is a real nice piece of wood, something that matches the grain and the same kind of general quality as the rest of the chair. I couldn't find one. Uh, so I'm gonna use this barbecue grill. I got some cup hooks, uh, mounted underneath the chair there, and it will just hang on there. And, you know, you might want to scrape, uh, some of the mong and fat and grizzle and feathers off this thing if you're gonna sit in this chair in your good pants. Okay, now what we need to put on here is the supports for our armrests. [ clears throat ] these are -- I got a couple of shelf brackets here. We, uh, got a shelf over in the workshop there, had four brackets on it. No shelf needs four brackets, so I took these two off. I figured they're not doing anything anyway. [ crashing ] well, I guess I might as well have taken all four. Ah, don't worry about it. Spilled paint dries fast. Okay, now I'm gonna mount these, uh, supports on here using the handyman's secret weapon, duct tape. All right. And now the next step, uh, we add this, uh, a.B.S. Drainpipe on here. Kind of a mixed-media project we got going with the plastic, the wood, and the metal, and what have you, and, not to mention, the tape. And these go on here not only to serve as armrests, but also as guides for the mechanism that's gonna raise and lower the foot pedal. And again, we'll use the, uh, handyman's secret weapon to attach these, duct tape. I'm not -- I'm not quite sure how much of a secret it is anymore. Oh, well. Well, how's it look? I've run the sash cord up through my armrest, connected it to my seat, uh, lifting leg lifter, and then up into the, uh, eyebolts that I've hooked into the back of the chair. And it was just -- it's a fantastic thing. When you lean back, up she comes, as we say. Just, uh, look at that. Now the easy part -- upholstering her. I suppose you could -- uh, you could attach this more permanent with, uh, staples or, uh, maybe you want to duct-tape that on there or maybe put a screw into it or whatever. But, uh, I suggest paperclips, and that way, you can, you know, take her off every two or three years, give her a shake, you know, get some of the mong out of it there. By golly, she's comfortable, isn't she? And just, uh -- just think of the money that you've saved -- money that would have gone to a furniture company, huh? Just lean back. Look at that. Look at that, huh? Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Uh, money that -- money that can now go to a chiropractor. Uh, so remember -- if the women don't find you handsome, they should at least find you lying down. Got some, uh, cream soda... And a lovely microwave bundt cake. There you go. Huh? Come on. Come on. Come on. Sure you want to. Nope. Come on. No. Right out the door. Here we go. "it is summer. "I remember when you could cruise on the river for free. "last week, I went, and it cost me $8,000. "the river was dried up. The 8 grand was for boat repairs." well, everybody's, uh, pretty concerned about the lack of marine life in, uh, possum lake. I mean, uh, we drink that water, we bathe in that water, so we would kind of like to know what's killing the fish. Well, you did say you bathed in it. [ chuckles ] well, you know, that's a thought. That's all that is -- just a thought. You know, one of those cause-and-effect kind of things. Harold, you know, when we bathe in the lake, it adds a whole bunch of life-forms. You know, without the stuff that washes off us, the algae would probably starve to death. Okay. I-I never considered that. I mean, who actually knew that the lack of personal hygiene amongst the lodge members, would, you know -- would be actually benefiting the possum lake ecosystem? Yeah. That's exactly right, harold. Anyway, uh, doc render wants bob to join him in a survey of the bottom of the lake. And old man sedgwick has, uh, turned his pickup truck into a two-man submarine. [ chuckles ] how do you turn a pickup into a submarine? Well, you park it too close to the lake. Wa-a-a-a! It rolled in, didn't it? Yeah, it rolled in. [ laughs ] so, who's gonna drive -- bob or doc? Well, they drew straws, and the one who got the longest straw used it as an air hose. Personally, I don't think they're gonna go. Well, we have to go, uncle red -- right into the next segment. Dive, harold, dive. Whoop, whoop, whoop, whoop! How you doing, glen? Hmm? Oh, hi, red. How's the marina business going? Well, you know, going nuts. It's, uh, busy time of the year. All right. Uh, glen, I want to talk to you about the lake. Take a look at these tires, red. Go on and have a good look, though. Get right in there. They're brand-new tires. Well, tread looks okay. Not the tread, red, the nubs! You know, the tire nubs, the little things that stick out when you get them brand-new on the side there. They're like whiskers or something. Yeah, yeah. They're falling off like I can't believe. Well, what are you gonna do, glen? Go down to the r.V. Dealership and cut the nubs off brand-new tires and come back here and glue them onto your tires every time you want to go for a ride? [ laughs ] what kind of glue would you use for that, red? No, I-I'm joking, glen. How do you mean? Glen, uh, do you think there's any fish left in the lake here? What, possum lake? Yeah. Oh, there's tons of fish out there still, yeah. Hmm. You know, airplane glue. Airplane glue would do it. You know, now, doc says that there's no fish left in the lake at all. What is it with doc and fish? He's got a fish fixation! That's not healthy. No, sir. You want to go for a ride, red? I got to get some airplane glue. Uh, no, no. No, no. I got to see about getting the lake restocked with fish. Well, we'll go to, uh, the lake-restocking fish place. Yeah, where they sell the fish. Where's that? I don't know. But we'll cruise around till we find one. No, no, no. It's okay. I got to make a couple of calls first. I'll -- I'll see you later, glen. Okay, red, sure. Yeah. Whoa, hey. Tires are made of rubber. Rubber cement. Way to go, glen. Red: And speaking of things made of rubber, it's time for "adventures with bill." uh, bill had smashed his car into glen's holding tank there, and so he was gonna use this to pretend that his car is on fire and stuck on the side of the road and the various safety -- hmm. The various, uh, safety things that you can do when your car is stuck on the side of the road. So he's gonna -- he wants me to pretend that I've been in an accident and I'm injured. You stick your tongue out when you're injured, apparently. I didn't know that. And then he's going to, uh -- he's got some gear here. He had a bag of something and a fire extinguisher. He's gonna take the van and pretend that, you know, he's just driving along and he sees me, uh, lying there injured. First thing bill has to realize... [ tires screech ] ...Is that "reverse" starts with an "r." okay, so, I'm lying there wondering, and I look back, and he's coming 30, 40 miles an hour, and the fire extinguisher falls down. Oh, my god! Oh, my god! Now he can't se-- oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. I'm gonna lie down. [ coughs ] well, that gets rid of the door problem. [ tires screech ] then, uh, things eventually clear up. And, uh... I don't think this is part of the plan, but you never know with bill. [ hollow clanging ] well, that's working well. So, uh, plan "b." what we do now is he gets out his little bag and, uh -- I don't look too impressed there, do I? Anyway, he gets -- what he's got there are some flares. And you set these flares up all around your car so that people can see them going, you know, if it's at night. I had noticed something about the flares that he had. They had a word on there that -- I didn't like the look of that in a big way. And it suddenly occurred to bill that maybe these weren't flares. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, boy. Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! [ groans ] by golly. Well, people will notice you there. And, uh, looks like the car has gone to a safer place. So, anyway, bob and doc kind of chickened out on the two-man-sub idea, but they still wanted to inspect the bottom of possum lake, so what they did was they popped a skylight into the roof of the toolshed and then flipped it over into the lake to use as a glass-bottom boat. Old man sedgwick went with them for luck -- bad. They got out there about a half a mile, and they had so many slugs and leeches on the underside of the skylight, they couldn't see through it. So bob and doc got down there, started tapping on the plexiglas, trying to knock those things off there. Well, old man sedgwick thought somebody was knocking on the door, so he opened it, and the whole thing sank. They managed to swim into shore, so there was really no harm done, other than the fact that old man sedgwick's pickup truck now has a toolshed in the back. You know, uncle red, I heard that bob and doc -- they're still arguing about the condition of the lake, and that bob -- he's got conclusive evidence that he's gonna bring to the lodge meeting tonight. Well, I hope it's not his wife. Which one? He had about five. Wa-a-a! I hope it's not one through four. [ screeching ] oh, there's the call of the wild possum. Come on, uncle red, let's go lance this boil. Ha ha! Harold has the touch of a poet, doesn't he? Anyway, I'll just nip down there -- it should only take a minute -- and I'll either relieve somebody's embarrassment or add to it -- whatever seems in order -- or more fun. That's what being a leader is all about. [ screeching continues ] [ indistinct conversations ] all rise! All: Quando omni flunkus, moritati. Uh, the floor recognizes bob stuyvesant. Thank you, red. Well, I've been running a battery of tests on the lake water. I was down at the ministry lab all afternoon, and I found that -- uh, well, I was happy to find that all the water in possum lake is fresh, clean, and pure. [ cheering ] what in the heck could have caused that, bob? Well, nothing, red. The test that I was doing shows that the, uh -- the lake is brimming with marine life. Yeah, then if people can't catch fish, it's because people can't catch fish. Well, I took the liberty of hiring a private laboratory to run some checks on the lake myself. [ chuckles ] somebody that knows what they're doing -- a non-golfer. Possum lake is totally sterile. [ murmuring ] nothing can go in that water -- not fish, not worms, not algae. And what's more, there are highly toxic levels of arsenic, palladium, and mercury. Oh, yeah? Let me see this. Hey, that's the same stuff I put in my tire wash. Your what? My tire wash -- yeah, I-I used it to get all the germs and stuff off my tires. Yeah, it cleans them right away. It -- it sterilizes the rubber. Yeah, it's stuff I invented myself. You wouldn't believe some of the stuff on the road gets stuck on your tire, you know? Are you saying you wash your tires with this stuff, glen? Yep. And then you just rinse it right into the lake? Where else, red? How do you read this thing? So possum lake died so you could have clean whitewalls, is that it? Oh, blame me. Tell me something, bob. Hmm? How long do you think it would take possum lake to -- to regenerate all the fish life and everything again? Well, uh, let's see, uh... Arsenic, palla-dee-um -- "palladium." the -- the worst kind. The mercury -- well, they're all fairly heavy, you know, so if the fish have soaked up all that stuff and then died, they've probably gone to the bottom of the lake. So it should recover fairly quickly. I'd say that the lake will probably be brimming again with marine life in about...Oh, 3,000 years. Wait, wait, 3,000 years? That's a long -- 3,000 years? Well, that's not very long. Well, it might not be long for bob. He works for the government. Now, now, now, just relax. The guy that I spoke to said that, uh, by seeding the lake with fingerlings and plants, and various bacteria, well, we could see the fish coming back in a couple of months. [ cheering ] really? Yeah. How does that work? Now, where do I fish in the meantime? Well, I -- I could take you to where the fish are, doc, in my r.V. Oh, yeah? Like, uh, maybe over to lake morris, huh? Well, how about, uh, the yukon for some salmon? The yukon! I like the ring of that! [ laughs ] I won't even wash the tires till we get back. Red: What? What? Oh, I'm just kidding, red. All right, uh, well, if there's no other lodge business... Okay, then I'm gonna call on glen here to give us the evening's entertainment. [ cheering ] glen, do you want me to hit the lights for you? Yeah, could you get those on the way out there, red? Thank you. "palladium" -- right there. Harold: These are slides, are they, glen? Yes, sir. Well, I'm sure possum lake will restock itself gradually. We'll encourage people to flush minnows down the toilet, so that should get things started. It's the least we can do, which is more or less our specialty. Anyway, uh, if my wife is watching, I'll be coming straight home after the meeting, so you might want to set the electric blanket on "defrost." so, until next time, on behalf of myself and harold and the whole gang up here at possum lodge, keep your stick on the ice. that's the 95 south right there. So, uh, where are you on your way to there? I'm just going south. Red, come on, grab a seat. You didn't miss anything, red. This is the 95 south right here, red. Going in new England. I cut out the other sign there. Over here? Yeah, I cut her out. It was leaning way out, and I had just one end. I had to keep the gas pedal down. Oh, I'd say 60, 65. There's a different speed limit down there, you know. Harold: You were breaking the law.